Fear
by CheerfulChemist
Summary: This is a one-shot that follows immediately after "Checklist." John Nolan is trying to help Ben cope with the aftermath of the beating and carjacking and reveals more about his own background. The image is by @Artifex Prime.


Fear

John's grandmother called it "Sleeping with one ear open." It's what parents do so they can spring into action at the first sound of a cry in the night. John had slept that way through much of Henry's childhood. Henry had been a pretty good baby, sleeping through most nights once he was past about three months old. He'd been a sunny toddler, too, but at age four, the night terrors had hit - dreams that stayed with him into wakefulness. There was no apparent triggering event, and Henry's pediatrician had little explanation for why the boy would be screaming even after the lights were turned on and he knew his parents were there. All John or Sarah could do was hold their son until his fear passed. Fortunately, Henry's petrifying bouts lessened over a few years until they vanished completely, but John had never lost the ability to doze while keeping some small corner of his mind alert.

When the demons come at his friend Ben from out of the dark, John is immediately at his side, to offer not only reassurance but a glass of water and the prescribed dose of pain pills. He has to be at work in the morning, and even if he didn't, he needs every moment of rest to be in shape for his oral exams. But Ben comes first.

John managed OK at the Academy, even when he stayed up all night to help the other rookies study. Retaining trivia is something at which he's always excelled - not what everyone has found his most endearing quality. But it came in handy on an adventure involving Ben. "Hey, Buddy, you remember the scavenger hunt?"

Ben would have smiled if his face didn't hurt so much. "You mean the one where the winning team could earn free pizza for the semester?"

"That's the one. You hadn't come into your trust fund yet, and you were as hungry for junk food as the rest of us. You remember what you decided to do?"

"John, the docs didn't find any brain damage. That would be hard to forget. Getting an exotic dancer was worth 500 points with a bonus if we could bring her to the judges handcuffed to a state trooper. I was determined to do it, but you told me you thought we were more likely to win if we went for items worth only a few points but found a lot of them."

"That's right," John agreed. "So while you went after Lola Dumont, I went in search of the wild columbines."

"And you found them too. You brought back a knapsack full. That's what put us over the top."

"Uh huh," John agrees, "but what I never told you was how I got them. I remembered from my fifth-grade science project that they like to grow on mountains, like in the Poconos, so I wasn't about to find many of them in the fields around the school.

"You remember that ski resort one town over from the university? The place was deserted at the end of the term when we had our hunt. There hadn't been any snow for almost two months. That's where I went. There was a huge patch of blooms right on the side of the hill with the longest run, but there weren't any lifts running. If I was going to get up there, I'd have to climb, which back then was an idea that scared me to death.

"I'm not that crazy about heights now, but that's after spending 20 years having to climb ladders and get up on roofs. I've managed work through it. But all those years ago when I looked up at that point-heavy blaze of color, my hands were shaking, and I could hardly breathe. I had to find a clump of bushes I could pee in."

"You still brought back the flowers."

"I did," John confirmed. "Because I knew that you and the rest of the team were counting on me. I didn't want to let you down, and I didn't want to let myself down either, so I climbed up that hill and picked the blossoms.

"Later I broke out in hives. I never knew if it was because I was so frightened or I was just allergic to the foliage. But we got our pizza. You know, we all would have been fine without it. We could have survived on dining hall food. But I don't know if I would have made it through what happened later when Sarah got pregnant if I hadn't made that climb.

"You knew I was an athletic scholarship kid, wrestling team. My parents didn't have money. My dad never went to college. He spent most of his life scraping for any job he could get to support our family. Sarah's folks were rich, like yours. But when the stick turned blue, they cut her off. They wouldn't even talk to her - or me.

"Dropping out of school and getting a job was the only thing I could do. After seeing the way my father had struggled, I was scared sh*tless. It made climbing that hill seem like nothing. But being Henry's father, seeing every milestone as he grew up, being able to send him to college, that made it all worth it. Sometimes the best things happen when you're the most afraid. At least they have for me."

Ben traces patterns in the condensation on the glass of water John brought him. "So you're saying it's a good thing that carjacker beat me up?"

John vigorously shakes his head. "I'm not saying that at all. When Jackson told me what happened, I wanted to beat the crap out of the guy. And when I saw the smirk on his face because he thinks Wolf will let him get away clean for flipping on the car theft ring, I wanted to taze both of them."

Ben grabs John's arm. "Is he going to get away free?"

"I don't think so. Wolf's too good for that. The guy's a career criminal. Every cop in Mid-Wilshire will be waiting for that jerk to step out of line. If he does so much as jaywalk, he'll violate his agreement, and we'll put him away. But Ben, something good did come out of what happened to you. We got some very bad actors off the street. That may not make you feel any better right now, but if you follow through with working with Victim's Services, it might."

"John right now I don't even want to leave the house - unless it's to climb into a limo to the airport. I'm not sure I even want to get behind the wheel of a car again - especially in L.A."

John lays a hand on his friend's shoulder. "That's your hill to climb, Ben. But you don't have to do it alone. A therapist can help, and Victim's Services knows some good ones. There are support groups too, and I'll be with you all the way. Hell! Jackson, Lucy, Talia, Lopez, even Bradford are all behind you. You take one step, and then another, and sooner or later you'll get where you're supposed to be."

Ben swipes the back of his hand over his eyes. "I think the pills are kicking in now, and I'll take that first step by trying to get more sleep."

John grabs Ben's pillow to fluff it to its maximum plumpness. "Good idea."

* * *

"I don't think I can move," Ben complains as John checks on him before leaving for work."

John nods in sympathy. "Getting beat up is always worse the next few days. I've had a fair amount of experience with that in the last months. I'll make sure your pills and some nibbles are within reach. I'm sure I can talk Talia into swinging by this way once or twice during our shift to check on you. I can ask Lucy and Jackson to try to check in on you too. Or we could call someone to stay with you until I get back. Maybe the Victim's Services lady. You were going to call her anyway." John offers Ben his phone. "What do you say?"

Ben hesitates for a moment before taking the cell. "Yeah, why not? She's better looking than you are, anyway."


End file.
